A Lefty Writes

It's probably not surprising that I find particular significance in the changing of the year. I'm overly sentimental in a cheesily romantic sort of way and new year's is one of those things that clicks. That being said, I'm not all that big on new year's resolutions. I believe in reflection and making changes, but specific goals (I'm going to go to the gym regularly, I'm going to eat more healthily) have always seemed cheap. They're too fad-ish. More often than not people follow them for about a month, then think about how they're letting them slide, and have completely forgotten about them by Valentine's day.

But this is a particularly opportune time for reflection, and that's something that I can be pretty good at.

- I've spent the latter half of this year stagnant: Sure, I've had a job that's kept me busy (and paid the bills), but I haven't been doing anything that I've felt passionate about and I think that's really starting to wear on me. It's been wearing on me for a while, actually.

- I'm too far from home: My family was here this week visiting and even though I get to see them a couple of times a year - mostly when I go back to Atlanta but also when they come out here - the physical distance is too far. And they're not the only ones who are too far away. I have a girlfriend now, and as much as it scares the hell out of me to say so, it's serious. And seeing her once every 4-6 weeks just doesn't cut it. The 2+ years that I've been in Los Angeles have been great, and I've made a lot of friends and accomplished a lot, but I'm being drawn back east.

- Cut. Print. Check the gate: I've also come to realize this year that I don't have the passion for filmmaking that I once did. Directing Chasing Life was invaluable because in the middle of it I took a step back and asked "what am I doing here?" and didn't have an answer. A good friend of mine, in talking about making the decision to not pursue an acting career, said that if he felt the need to return to it down the road, the option would always be there, and I found that very comforting. I'm not certain that I don't want to make movies. I still get excited when I see a good film, and it's a very seductive industry. But right now my interest is elsewhere.

So where does that leave me going into 2005? (How the hell is it 2005???) Well, I'm leaving my job after this coming week, which takes care of that. I'm going to attempt to keep working as an editor, preferably doing freelance work that gives me flexibility to pursue other interests part-time while still paying the bills. I'm going to start applying for volunteer positions or internships with local politicans' offices next week. I'm hoping that just being in that environment will give me a better sense of whether or not it's a path I want to pursue and how I might want to go about it. We'll see if that's a juggling act I can pull off or not, but I'm pretty excited to try. Now it's just a matter of making my film work look good on a political resume...

And as for the location issue - I don't know. It's quite possible that by 2006 I will no longer be in Los Angeles, and that's pretty frightening. It's not the city, or even the business, that I'm reluctant to leave. It's the friends I have out here, some of whom I've known a long time and others I've only made recently. The hardest part about moving across the country was acclimating myself socially. It took a while before I felt like I had developed a solid group of friends and now that I have it will be very difficult to give that up and start again. But I'm also confident that the relationships I've built will last, even if I'm not seeing them every day.

Here's something I wrote last year at this time:

The next time I'm back here it'll be 2004. I think I'm really excited for a new year. I kind of sense that it's not going to be a terribly easy year, but I feel like it will be a very rewarding one. Lots of possibility, lots of potential, but it's going to take a good deal of work to achieve anything. And the kicker is that I don't ever know what I want to achieve yet. Of course, I'm really just babbling. I always over-romanticize New Years. And end, a beginning. But really it's just another day passing.

It has been a rewarding year, and once again I'm excited to start another one on pretty much the same note - unsure, a little nervous, and very excited.

Happy New Year's to everyone. May 2005 bring you heath and happiness.

I'll see you next year. :)