A Lefty Writes

I've been to two movies in recent weeks at local theaters. I saw Jarhead last weekend and Harry Potter tonight. At both movies I had the unpleasant experience of, well, other people.

I don't remember when I first learned that silence was golden, but it's been a moviegoing standard as long as I can remember. Some people, however, seem to have missed this basic tenet of filmwatching etiquette. At both of my recent experiences there has been a group of people, usually near the rear-right of the theater, talking rather loudly throughout the movie.

Now, I'm sympathetic to occasional movie chatter. I'll whisper comments to my friends from time to time and I certainly don't mind when others do the same. What I do mind, however, is when people keep a running commentary going at full volume. I do not pay $10 a ticket to be part of a live Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The best part, and by far the most baffling, is that the scene inevitably escalates. Eventually those sitting in the vicinity of the loud patrons will grow weary of their banter and ask them to please quiet down. This is usually attempted with a forceful "SHH!" However, to a movie-talker, "shh" is understood to mean "I slept with your momma last night, and she was great," because the movie-talker response to "shh" is "you SHH!" at a louder volume than before.

Apparently, were one to acquiesce when asked to "shh" during a movie, one would be bringing shame and dishonor to his or her family and would be forced into exile or perhaps ritual suicide. Hence, the necessity for an escalatory response.

By now, the volume has risen to the point where the radius of influence is extended by at least a dozen rows. More patrons ask the offender to "shh," prompting yet more obligatory "you shh" responses. Or perhaps a variation, such as "don't you tell me to shh," as though the movie-talker would gladly quiet down had they been asked by someone else.

The next phase adds obscenities, threats, and in one instance a thrown beverage. I haven't encountered fisticuffs, but I'm always braced for the moment when I'm forced to throw Aliza to the floor and cover her with my body to shield her from gunfire.

This has yet to happen.

And this brings me to the title of this post. I miss the Arclight. (For those of you who don't know, the Arclight is an upscale movie theater in Los Angeles where tickets are $14, seating is reserved, and the theaters have huge screens, stadium seating, and amazing sound.) Somehow that extra $4 per ticket discourages the rabble and the assigned seating means you don't have to worry about mobs when you go to see Harry Potter on opening weekend. To my friends who still live in LA - I envy you. I took my pleasant, comfortable moviegoing experience for granted. It is only now that I truly appreciate what I had.

To everyone else - shut the hell up when you're at the movies. You're in public for crying out loud.